City New's

As a direct result of the poor trading figures issued for the Samuel Smith Brewery group and released last week by the City.
The following statement has been issued on the behalf the group's financial executive. April 18 2005.
Poor trading figures for the financial year ending April 1 2005 has prompted the following directive effective immediately.

The constant and abusive use of beer mats on tables is to stop forth with !
It has been reported to us that in some establishments beer mats have been placed on tables not occupied by consumers and in others the extavegent practice of one beer mat per person has been applied.
Market research has proven that a customer goes to the toilet approximately every 60 seconds in the average pub
.this provides the opportunity for beer mat sharing as this person is not in direct need of a beer mat at this time.
Lighting In The Toilets
Over the years we have endeavoured to provide lighting in both the ladies and gents toilets ,this was always meant as a temporary guesture until such time as the customers could arrange for their own lighting arrangements.
A flash light or pocket torch is the preferred tool for the job and are commonly available eg (RS STOCK NUMBER( 443-423))
Couples need only invest in one rather than two as it is unlikely that both would be seeking relief at the same time.
The excessive and blatant use/misuse of toilet paper must also stop,if this cannot be brought under control the management will consider the installation of motion detectors or deploy a metering system and are in final stages of consultation with
Sanitary Help International Technologies to provide a feasibility study.
We can no longer tolerate the drain on our resources generated by window cleaners and to this effect all window cleaning has to stop forthwith we will however be be providing our customers with painted landscapes across the windows as an alternative and if the financial climate should improves we may update this pictorial images to reflect the changing seasons !
We would also ask for our customers assistance in the following area's
Please consider the footwear you use to the pub, if all our customers were to don plimsolls rather than the heavier shoes that are commonly worn we might get another 15 years out of the carpet.
Another good tip is to rotate your seating arrangements, rather than spend the whole night at the same table
move around every twenty minutes this would help to prevent wear and tear on our upholstery.
The management may consider the introduction of the game formally known as Musical Chairs as an introduction to this habit.
It's not all doom and gloom and to prove this we are offering the following Samuel Smith Good Customer Pack at the discounted price of only £48 to our regular customers.

The Samuel Smith Beer drinkers kit
Comprising
1 Beer Mat (washable)
1 Pint Tumbler (empty)
1 Clip on Ashtray
*1 Emergency Loo Roll
* Not to be disposed of in the toilets.