Hurricane Hits Scottish Town

ARDROSSAN HURRICANE APPEAL

Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Ayrshire town of Ardrossan in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?"

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £90 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.

Twenty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Sefton St , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.

West FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ardrossan.

One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 3 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin'.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Buckfast and two tons of Tunnocks Teacakes to the area to help stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including Benefit books and bone China from Poundstretchers.

Residents in neighbouring Saltcoats offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Ardrossan people decided they were better off where they were.

A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a pure Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".

Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes.

The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include - Microwave chips, Pies from Greggs, Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado , glue or hairspray.

Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £3 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £5 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


*Breaking News*

Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble
Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco- pop.
When asked where she was bleeding from she replied
" Stanley Road , whit's it got to dae wi' you?"

Glesga heelies need not reply.